


WATCH OUT HYDRA HERE COMES DOUG

by agentcalliope



Series: A Doug's Life [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: DOES DOUG HAVE A PLAN?, DOUG IS FREAKING OUT, DOUG'S GOTTA DO SOMETHING, Doug and Mack are a team, Doug and the team, Gen, HELL NAH, Spoilers for 3x16, THE TEAM IS CAPTURED, although one can hope, doug totally drools over mack, doug wasnt prepared, meet Hive, probably wont be canon with 3x17, shotgunaxe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6542119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentcalliope/pseuds/agentcalliope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doug thinks that he’s probably the most ridiculous, pig-headed, insane man to have ever lived.</p><p>But there’s no time to think when you find out your OTP, idols, and even sworn enemy (fricking Jerry from communications) are in trouble. </p><p>So Doug stops thinking-</p><p>And he's ready to kick some Hydra ass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doug most definitely, certainly, obviously has a plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [memorizingthedigitsofpi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/memorizingthedigitsofpi/gifts), [Fitzsimmonshield (fitzsimmonsshield)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fitzsimmonsshield/gifts).



> Thank you Fitzsimmonsshield for the great idea and Pi for enabling me (yet again)
> 
>  
> 
> Spoilers for 3x16 and spot the Deadpool Reference!

* * *

 

Doug thinks that he’s probably the most ridiculous, pig-headed, insane man to have ever lived.

 

Doug also thinks that he’s probably going to die- because how can he, a ridiculous, stupid, ordinary agent, save his heroes?

 

Doug thinks that this is most certainly a suicide mission and he should’ve let the Secret Warriors gone off on their own instead of sneaking on board their plane.

 

_Stop. Get yourself together man. You heard Daisy Johnson- the team on Zephyr has been kidnapped!! Coulson. May. Mack. Fitzsimmons. Even fricken Jeff from Communications. I have to help rescue them._

 

There’s no time to think when you find out your OTP, idols, and even sworn enemy are in trouble. So when Yoyo found him on the plane, and Daisy Johnson recognized him and asked him why the hell was he there- he uttered the same mantra he’s been recycling in his head over and over again:

 

He’s a SHIELD agent- and SHIELD agents don’t hesitate to save others.

And they can't stop him now anyway. What they gonna do- drop him outta the sky? (He prays that he's not wrong with this part)

 

He also doesn’t mention that he feels a part of the team after practicing with them last week and that he wasn’t going to let Fitzsimmons die without finally getting together also he still hasn't met Mack and needs to hear that _beautiful_ voice personally.

 

Even so, Doug still thinks _why the hell am I doing this oh my god I am going to die or die later when Martha finds out-_

_calm yourself down man._

 

Doug stops thinking- because there’s no time to think when people are in danger.

 

And hes ready to save some lives and kick some Hydra ass.

 

He grabs a gun, and distantly follows the Secret Warriors as they head off the plane.

 

_Still gonna kick ass but it won't hurt to have them face whatever comes first still gonna stick with them this plan is foolproof great idea maybe I’m not that stupid after all._

 

(Doug does think later that maybe he should’ve gone to the bathroom first because this was bound to be some scary shit and he did not wear his brown pants today.)

 

*******

 

He not only loses sight of them, but he also manages to get lost.

 

_Stupid Hydra is it so hard to have signs??? How do you mindless evil goons know where to go? Do you follow the sound of death and misery to find the cafeteria? Because this place is a fricking maze- OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT???? IT’S COMING AROUND THE CORNER WHAT IS IT OH GOD I HAVE NO IDEA I’M JUST GONNA SHOOT AT IT!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE_

 

It’s been a long time since Doug’s been in the field.

 

_Wow stupid there was nothing there. Now I’ve alerted Hydra to my presence **and** the Warriors- what is wrong with me??? I should’ve never came I messed this up **BIG TIME** I’m such a fricking idiot no wonder I never passed my field assessment-_

Okay.

It’s been more than a ‘long time’ since Doug’s been in the field.

 

But Doug rounds the bend, and sees through flashing red lights the unconscious form of May slumped forward in a chair- even though circumstances are still dire Doug can’t help but smile.

 

Sure, Doug’s never really (at all) been in the field.

But with The Cavalry by his side?

He’s got a fighting chance.

 

(He knows first hand how much May can _whoop ass_ )

 

*******

 

“Doug! You untie Mack while I look for the others!”

 

_SHE IS SO FRICKING AWESOME THE WAY SHE JUST KICKED THAT GUY IN THE BALLS BEFORE ROUNDHOUSING HIM AND THAT OTHER GUY AND OH MY GOD_

_SLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MAY SLAYYYYYYYYYYY_

_YOU GODDESS YOU I AM NOT WORTHY I FEEL SO ALIVE I CAN DO ANYTHING_

_WAIT OH MY GOD THE FRICKING CALVARY JUST GAVE ME ORDERS I AM OFFICIALLY ON THE **TEAM** I DON’T HAVE TIME FREAK OUT BUT I CAN’T STOP OH RIGHT GOTTA UNTIE MACK ON IT DON’T WORRY MAY I DOUG WON’T LET YOU DOWN HEY I DIDN’T GET TO MEET HIM BEFORE WHATUP MAN?_

Doug calmly (despite his obvious inner thoughts) begins to help Mack with his binds.

 

“Thanks,” Mack’s _silky smooth sweet baritone_ _gorgeous too bad Doug’s a married man_ voice still manages to ring out amongst the blaring sirens.

 

_God bless him._

“Okay whats the plan, Doug?”

 

_shit shit shit I don’t have a plan I didn’t think I would get this far wait oh my god how does he know my name MACK KNOWS MY NAME SCREAMING wait back to the problem Mack is fricking asking me for a plan I DO NOT HAVE A PLAN._

“The plan?” Doug hopes he sounds like he knows what the plan is, because the way Mack is looking at him makes Doug sweat like crazy.

 

The thrum of running feet coming closer towards them, and although the thought of Hydra bursting into the room makes Doug want to cry, it also does something he never expected.

 

Because now Doug has just thought of a brilliant plan.

 

He grabs Mack’s hand- _literally huge this hand is practically the size of my skull what the frick how is this guy real??_ \- and shouts out a _very good not bad_ plan:

 

“RUN!”


	2. 7 minutes in heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug and Mack run away from Hydra, ending up in a closet where Doug may or may not be wondering about his (non-existent) relationship with Mack. 
> 
> And then they make a discovery that can help them turn the course of the war (maybe. probably not).

* * *

 

As they run through the halls and duck into a closet, Doug’s heart furiously pounds from lack of exercise, danger, and the fact that for some reason he and Mack are still holding hands.

_Me @ Mack:_

 

_what are we?_

But before Doug can blush and giggle, Mack releases their hands- _goddammit I thought we had a connection man-_ and starts rooting around the bins that are stacked against the wall.

 

“C’mon, Doug. There must be _something_ here we can use.”

 

Mack reminds Doug of the circumstances, and so he starts going through the boxes on the floor next to him.

He can’t help but feel slightly disappointed, though.

 

 _Dude I thought we had something special??? Why don’t I get a nickname_ _I wanna nickname! I haven’t really made it until I get a Mack™ nickname!!!! MAN I SWEAR IF I DON’T GET A NICKNAME AT THE END OF THIS I’M FRICKING QUITTING just kidding haha I’m not quitting I don’t officially **exist** anymore who’s gonna hire me?!_

_Also I’m too emotionally involved in too many things to leave I wouldn’t be able to make it an hour._

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!” Mack’s _luscious, honey trickled_ voice breaks Doug's attention.

 

He looks over and for a moment can’t figure out what Mack’s holding-

But then he does.

 

 

It’s some sort of shotgun-axe combination.

 

_Wait how did Hydra- why did Hydra even make that? How did they know? for what purpose? Don’t they know they can just buy a bayonet? And why is it, here- in this very closet? Why aren’t they using it? Wait I’m what the frick I am missing the big picture here MACK HAS HIS SHOTGUN-AXE AND I AM HERE TO WITNESS IT WHAT EVEN IS LIFE RIGHT NOW INCREDIBLE._

 

“Hydra doesn’t stand a chance.” Doug manages to choke out, still in awe of the _Adonis_ standing before him brandishing his weapon of choice.

Mack smiles back, and Doug just barely keeps himself from fainting _man that guy’s smile is the SUN I am not worthy of seeing such a thing._

 

Mack’s smile vanishes and he nods grimly at door behind Doug.

 

“Let’s go find the Power Rangers and save our people.” Mack declares, cocking the gun with a determined expression on his face.

 

_YEEEAHHHHH BUDDY ITS ME DOUG AND THIS IS MY PARTNER MACK-ATTACK AND WE ARE READY TO FRICK SHIT UP!!!_

_DON’T WORRY FITZ-SIMMONS COULSON MAY AND YES, EVEN YOU FRICKEN JEFF HYDRA AINT GOT NOTHING ON US WHOOP WHOOP._

_I’M SO READY FOR THIS LEGGO_

He and Mack slip through the door after making sure no one had followed them- _seriously Hydra should reconsider putting in some signs next time_ \- and they head out into the unknown.

 

Wait.

The unknown?

What do you mean _the unknown???_

 

_I’M NOT READY I’M SO DEFINITELY NOT READY I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT THE FRICK BACK_


	3. Mystery, Inc.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug and Mack are searching for the team when they discover a clue that could could help them lead them in the right direction.  
> yeah that's right.
> 
> THEIR team.
> 
> (Doug's not gonna wait for a stupid nickname to save his OTP and co. duh)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find the reference to Scooby Doo!

* * *

 

_Why did I let Martha talk me into watching The Shining last week I should’ve known it was a bad idea this is giving me the heebie jeebies I swear if I see two little twin girls pop up at the end of this hall I don’t care I’m scramming._

 

“Doug,” Mack whispers and stops in his tracks, holding out his arm to prevent Doug from continuing forward.

 

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit what is it oh my god this is how I die yep I am so dead well this has been fun._

 

“What _is_ that?” Mack thinks aloud, thoughtful and wary as he crouches down to examine whatever caught his interest.

 

_What ever you do DON’T touch it don’t you remember what happened last time you touched something that was **interesting**?? yeah haha I think something happened like I don’t know you TURNED INTO A FRICKEN KREE GUARD DOG OKAY LETS NOT HAVE A REPEAT OF THAT PLEASE._

 

Doug peers over Mack _broad and picturesque_ form to take a look.

 

_maybe it’s some alien goo? Burnt human remains??  
_

 

**...**

 

_It’s a sock._

_It’s literally a sock. not even a pair of socks._

_Just a single sock._

 

_What the h-e-double hockey sticks??  
_

 

_Where’s the other one? Did someone just decide to take off one sock, and then leave it? Are there other socks around the evil, Hydra base? Is that how they navigate around this sign-less building? Instead of breadcrumbs they leave socks???_

Mack doesn’t seem to share Doug’s confusion over why _there’s a fricking sock in the hallway during an invasion,_ instead leaning further in to examine it as close as he can.

 

Doug wonders if Hydra has created a sock-grenade or something.

 

Mack suddenly jolts back, wrinkling his nose and raising a hand to wave in front of his face.

 

“Ugh, that smells horrible!”

He raises himself up and glances to look over at Doug as his eyes starting to water.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever smelled something so terrible in my life, and I’ve been through a lot of shit.”

 

_Okay sure jan oh mack you drama queen you whatever you say I’ll see for myself- OH MY GOD  
_

 

The odor assaults Doug’s senses- a mix between BO, skunk and liquid-ass fart spray that makes Doug shudder in disgust.

 

But then it hits Doug- and he can’t help but exclaim his excitement.

“JINKIES!”

 

“SHHHHH” Mack shushes, his eyes flickering to see if Doug’s outburst has drawn any attention.

“What the hell man?”

Doug is practically jumping with delight with his discovery as he whispers his conclusion.

 

“I know that smell! I know it because every day it comes to my office to, uh, _discuss [argue]_ very confidential reports [ _the beauty and life that is Fitzsimmons_ ]!”

 

 

_Fricking Jeff._

 

“Only my coworker [ _enemy_ ] Jeff smells like fertilizer wrapped in rotten cabbage [ _probably because he still ships Skyeward to be honest_ ]! He was on the plane too! I don’t know why he would leave a sock, but if we look for the other one we might be heading in the right direction to find the others!”

 

Mack shrugs his shoulders.

“I don’t have a better idea. But when we find this _Jeff_ of yours, I’m telling him to do his damn laundry once in a while.”

 

_SEE JEFF IT’S NOT JUST ME YOU DO STINK AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK WHEN FITZ TOOK HER OUT FOR DINNER HE WAS TRYING TO GUILT HER INTO ROMANTICALLY LIKING HIM YOU JUST STINK PERIOD._

_And now, Mack and I are gonna find you and save you **and** The Team._

 

_AND I'M TOTALLY GONNA TELL HIM LATER YOU STILL SHIP SKYEWARD HAHA SUCKER.  
_


	4. DOUG RYE THE AGENT GUY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug and Mack trek through Hydra's base and Doug realizes they need a theme song.
> 
> They soon have company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bill Nye the Science Guy and The Help reference!!!

* * *

_You know what we need? Well, besides having Fitzsimmons finally getting together?_ Doug silently suggests to Mack while they scurry through the halls looking for fricking Jeff and the rest of the team.

_We need a theme song. Personally, I want the Bill Nye the Science Guy theme but instead of ‘Bill’ its ‘Doug’ , and not 'Nye' but 'Rye' (because it can't be a coincidence that my last name just totally rhymes with Nye) and instead of ‘Science Guy’ its ‘Agent Guy’ and that could be so cool because the moment we enter Hive’s evil generic super villain lair you could be like chanting ‘DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG’ and I’ll be like “MACK RULES”and then we can totally FRICK SHIT UP AND DESTROY- OH MY GOD IS THAT MAY AND COULSON??????_

Mack breathes a sign of relief as Coulson and May appear at the end of the hallway, and he and Doug jog quietly to them at Coulson’s beckoning.

“Glad we found you,” Coulson begins to say, while May nods her soundless agreement.

“Let’s get the hell out of here.” He starts walking away but Mack grabs his arm to stop him.

“Wait, we still haven’t found Fitz or Simmons or anyone else from the plane.” Mack explains, and Coulson’s face drops at the mention.

“Damn it I thought they were with you?”

 

_ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I totally respect you sir but like ????? does it look like Fitzsimmons and fricking Jeff are behind us??? I know you lost a hand but you still got two eyes even Nick fricking Fury could see that they aren’t with us! Why isn’t Mack in charge Mack is kind Mack is smart Mack is important._

Doug understandably keeps this to himself, and _god bless_ May.

“That’s a stupid question.” May utters without hesitation.

 

_YASSSSSS QUEEN YASSSSSS._

Coulson gives a shrug and brushes off May’s statement.

 

_Yeah you got nothin to say to that do ya Director?? She got you gooddd._

 

“Okay then. Let’s find Fitz-Simmons and our crew and _then_ let’s get the hell out of here” Coulson declares, and heads off down the hallway they hadn’t ventured to yet.

 

_Wow not only did you not even like ACKNOWLEDGE my presence but you didn’t even see that Mack finally has his shotgun axe???? OR give Mack or I the opportunity to tell you about fricking Jeff’s sock!!! WHICH IS IMPORTANT!!??!!!_

Suddenly, there’s a _BOOM_ and a _CLASH_ and a _HEY GUYS WHAT’S UP_ and standing through a new hole in the wall stands _yas Daisy Johnson one of the loves of my life and wow it’s her boytoy not surprised and OH MY GODS HI JOEY HI YOYO I MISSED YOU GUYS_

Daisy Johnson smirks and crosses her arms.

“Missed me?”

She addresses Coulson (Doug), May ( _Doug_ ), Mack (DOUG) and Doug (YESSSS).

 

_I DID MISS YOU I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MY GOSH YOU ARE SO AWESOME CAN I ADOPT YOU??? OR DO I HAVE TO FIGHT COULSON??? I WILL. I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR LOVE DAISY JOHNSON  
_


	5. Pardon me, fricking Jeff, sir?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug tries to keep his big mouth shut, and the team finds someone they've been looking for.
> 
>  
> 
> Although Doug really wants nothing more than to "un"find that someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hamilton reference!

* * *

 

Doug is doing everything he possibly can to keep his mouth shut.

 

_Don’t say a word Doug we are on a **mission**. SHIELD agents do not talk when they are searching for their teammates no agents stay focused. FOCUSED. Don’t think about how you’re walking besides Daisy fricking Johnson and Melinda May. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. Don’t talk, if anything just smile. Yes yes that’s good do that. Talk less. smile more._

_Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re forrrrrr you wanna get ahead? Fools who run their mouths oft wind up deadddd._

_DAMMIT NOW I HAVE THAT SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD OH NO I CAN’T RESIST IT’S POWER-_

_Hey yo hey yo what time is it? SHOWTIME!!!!!_

Showtime indeed: because the team has just come across a door that has a very familiar, god-awful scent radiating from inside.

 

“Oh, _God_ what is that?” Daisy Johnson mangles out a whisper from behind her arm covering her nose and mouth.

The rest of the team groans and Lincoln looks like he’s about to pass out.

Doug and Mack just grin at eachother.

 

“They’re here.” Mack rumbles in his _succulent, heavenly accent_.

 

_Oh my god oh my godddd Mack and I have an inside joke that no one else understands okay it’s a clue okay its about fricking Jeff but we still have a special secret thingy between us THE NICKNAME IS GONNA COME SOON I CAN FEEL IT._

Coulson nods to Yo-yo and Joey, and within seconds the door is melted down and Yo-yo is back cheekily smiling although also gagging a bit from the stench that has suddenly become stronger.

 

_Fricking Jeff is so close, I can smell it._

_I mean really. I can actually smell it, or him, or his disgusting sock. Also good thing I didn’t say that aloud it kinda sounds creepy now that I think about it._

They all burst into the room, Hydra soldiers groaning on the floor and the specialized handcuffs glowing bright blue on their wrists from Yo-yo’s previous engagement.

 

And there, sitting on a chair off to the side, was _fricking Jeff._

Sockless.

 

“ _Ugh!_ took you guys long enough! My feet are getting cold! I expected better from the second-rate Avengers.”

 

_HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO MY DAISY JOHNSON IN THIS WAY? FRICKING JEFF YOU HAVE NO MANNERS AND ‘took you guys long enough'???’YOU LEFT A SOCK. A SOCK FOR A CLUE. AND YOU WONDER WHY WE DIDN’T FIND YOU FASTER??????? FRICK YOU JEFF FRICK YOU.  
_

_Hey Coulson my gang can we please just leave him here._

Evidently, everyone else pretty much looks like they agree with Doug.

 

But Coulson sighs, pinches his nose as he goes to untie Jeff who is still rambling on about annoying it was to wait for them to find him.

 

_Ugh you little slimy no good- wait. We only found one sock, but you don’t have both socks on??? Wheres the other sock?? Is it gonna be like two days from now and some poor Hydra goon is gonna be cleaning the building and stumbles across this other sock????? He gonna die._

“Alright Agent Anderson, did you see Fitz-Simmons?” Coulson asks tiredly.

 

“No I haven’t seen them.” Fricking Jeff dusts himself off as he rises from the chair.

 

_Fricking Jeff you don’t care about them frick you fricking Jeff you selfish bas-_

“Let’s go. Oh and Agent Anderson? As Director I order you to do your damn laundry.”

 

Jeff’s face is _priceless._

 

_Hehehehe SUCK IT Jeff!! Coulson: 1 Jeff: 0 you just got OWNED. BY THE DIRECTOR please tell me someone is filming this! Is that a security camera?? Can we take the footage PLEASE???_

_Oh right on to save fitzsimmons more important yep yep MY CHILDREN DOUG’S COMING DON’T YOU WORRY I GOT YOU._


	6. SHIP-OFF Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug and the Team find Hive's super villain lair, and discovers what he's done with Fitz and Simmons.
> 
>  
> 
> Doug will stop at nothing and he means NOTHING to save them.

* * *

 

The moment they enter the room, Doug knows that they’ve found Hive’s lair.

 

_Wow. Much cool. So original. Nice interior designing skills Hive you think it would’ve ALL gone after centuries of living on another planet. It’s like you just decided to watch every single comic-book movie and copy the villain’s secret headquarters. OH MY GOD-Is that a **Deer head mantle**?? Seriously?? That so clashes with the gray walls man this is a disgrace to humanity. Where are you??? Show yourself!!!_

Speak of the devil.

He’s standing in the far corner of the room, clicking a door shut and smiling as he becomes aware of his audience’s presence. He promptly locks the door and leans on it, smiling conceitedly.

Doug and the team assume Power Ranger Stances™.

Hive cocks his head to the side as if he’s thinking.

 

“Why, isn’t it my old team?”

_Um hello hi you are **not** Ward. I mean yeah you look like Ward and it’s creepy af but you aren’t him anyway what does it matter either way I hate you. I hated Ward for everything he did to my Fitzsimmons Daisy and May AND NOW I HATE YOU TOO ITS OKAY THAT YOU’RE IN HIS BODY I DON’T CARE YOU’RE DEAD._

Daisy stiffens as Coulson spats out a reply.

“You aren’t Ward.”

 

Hive shrugs.

“I might not _be_ Grant Douglas Ward, but his body is my vessel and his memories are my memories.”

Wait.

Grant _Douglas_ Ward??

_DOUGLAS????!!!!_

 

_I HAVE TO BURN MY NAME OH MY GOD THAT'S IT NOPE I REFUSE GOODBYE DOUG YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO NAMES now I can choose anyname I want ooh what should I pick something cool and hip and shows my love for my fandom I mean team- AH I GOT IT!! What about John? Yes yes that’s good people will be like why John and I’ll be like oh I just like it whatever but really it’s for Daisy JOHNson it’s like being nerdy WITHOUT being nerdy!!!_

_What??_

_Did you all think I was gonna chose Gary Stu???_

Doug stops thinking about changing his name when he hears May demand to know where Fitz and Simmons are.

Hive gestures to the door he’s leaning on.

 

_HE’S LOCKED THEM IN A CLOSET??????_

“Don’t bother calling out for them- the door’s soundproof, so they can’t hear us and we can’t hear them.”

Daisy steps forward and opens her mouth to speak but doesn’t get a chance before Doug reacts.

“Let them go!” He sounds more determined and confident than he feels, and the team and Hive are looking at him funny but _it doesn’t matter Fitzsimmons is in trouble and IM GONNA SAVE MY CHILDREN._

He looks at Hive dead (haha. Dead. It’s funny because Hive’s dead ok nevermind) in the eyes and doesn’t say another word.

Hive slowly responds.

“Sure… I’ll let them go… as soon as they talk out their feelings and make out.”

 

_I did NOT expect that._

_Wait a sec…. HEY. THAT WAS **MY** IDEA. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????_

The team is shocked, but Doug quickly retaliates.

“HEY SQUIDWARD _I’M_ THE NON-TEAM MEMBER FITZSIMMONS ULTIMATE SHIPPER ALRIGHT???? YOU KNOW YOUR PLACE!”

 

Hive laughs.

“You??? Please!! I have the memories of both Will AND Ward! Double the Fitzsimmons shipping power! I am eons ahead of you, mortal.”

_Did he just… THAT’S IT._

_IT’S ON._

 

Doug and Hive shout at the same time:

 

“I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FITZSIMMONS SHIP OFF.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to AGL03 for idea on how Doug and Hive are gonna battle and tanziheerahbar for reminding me about Ward's middle name and how our Doug would totally HATE it!!


	7. SHIP-OFF Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doug and Hive begin to battle it out for the title of ultimate Fitzsimmons shipper when Doug drops a bomb that renders everyone speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hamilton quote/reference! also thanks to AGL03 for idea!!

* * *

 

They begin by circling each other like wolves.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Doug heard Mack whisper to Daisy, who out of the corner of his eyes shrugged.

 

_No Doug. Focus. You gotta make sure he knows you’re the Alpha dog. You MUST WIN._

 

Hive cracks his neck and the sound echoes throughout the room.

 

_Dude you gonna need a chiropractor or something if you keep doing that._

Doug’s fingers twitch as he and Hive finally stop and face each other.

 

 _Look em in the eye, aim no higher_  
_Summon all the courage you require_  
 _Then count_

_One two three four_

_Five six seven eight nine_

_Number_

_Ten paces_

_Fire!_

 

“What class did Fitz and Simmons become friends in?” Hive spits out.

 

_Lol even fricking JEFF knows that!!_

Doug pretends to yawn and smiles earnestly.

“Chemistry class. Please. My 8 year old knows that.”

Hive’s nostrals flare and Doug is _pumped._

_My turn._

“How long were they friends before they joined the Bus?” Doug asks.

Hive rolls his eyes, and Doug tries not to let it bother him.

 

“Some people think its seven but its actually ten.”

_Dang it._

 

From the corner of the room Jeff yells,

“WHO CARES ABOUT THEM?!”

Hive and Doug but swivel towards him and scream:

 

“SHUT UP!”

Fricking Jeff finally listens.

 

Hive turns back to Doug and lists his next question.

“When did Fitz realize he loved Simmons more than a best friend?”

Doug sighs.

“Well that’s a hard one hmmm oh no I don’t- BITCH OF COURSE I KNOW!! It was when Simmons got that alien virus and almost _died_ and Fitz realized that he couldn’t live with her duh seriously Mr. Evil Villain Sir you have to try harder than that.”

 

Hive balls his hands into fists and Doug has to remind himself not to be _too_ cocky.

He thinks of a hard question and proceeds to ask Hive.

“What kind of organ did Simmons leave next to his lunch once?”

“Liver.Cat.”

 

_Literally did not ask for the animal, Asshole._

 

Hive’s turn.

“Who told Fitz to tell Simmons he loves her?”

“You- I mean Ward. Also yeah frick you by the way for that and then dumping them into the ocean.”

 

The team watches them shout questions at each other in amazement.

 

“WHAT OUTFIT DID FITZ-”

“IMAGINE JEMMA IN? TOO EASY THE SAME THING SHE WORE WHEN SHE JUMPED OFF THE PLANE. NEXT QUESTION.”

 

Daisy turns to Coulson, “but Fitz only told me that in a deleted scene!! How do they know about that?”

 

Coulson seems puzzled. “What are you even talking about?”

 

_DO NOT QUESTION GREATNESS._

 

“Aha! When does Jemma start to love Fitz?” Hive asks all smug.

 

Doug’s jaw drops.

“Um Bitch _Please_ she has ALWAYS loved him she just didn’t know how to express her feelings or realize that it was ROMANTIC LOVE.”

 

“Yeah, well, why is she in so much denial all the time then??”

 

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? JEMMA SIMMONS HAS LIKE ZERO CHILL YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE HEART EYES SHE MAKES AT HIM.”

 

Hive snorts and crosses his arms.

“Yeah but that’s just because he’s done so much for her. She still loves Will.”

 

_HOW DARE YOU????? JEMMA SIMMONS DOES NOT LOVE FITZ BECAUSE- YEAH SHE LOVED WILL BUT-OKAY YOU CALL YOURSELF A FITZSIMMONS SHIPPER AND SAY THAT?????? YOU ARE A MISOGYNIST ASSHOLE AND AND AND IM GONNA DESTROY YOU OH MY GOD HOW DARE YOU HOW I AM GOING TO TEAR YOU APART._

 

And that’s when Doug remembers.

He remembers something that he saw, and that no one else knows about.

Not even Hive.

Doug smiled and smirks.

“If Jemma Simmons only wants to be with Fitz because he loves her, and that she loves Will- then why did she **kiss** him **_back_**?”

 

The whole room gasps.

 

_BOOM._

 

_MIC DROP._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe guys sorry to end on cliffhanger! find out how it all ends tomorrow!!


	8. SHIP-OFF Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the SHIP-OFF leads to unexpected visitors. 
> 
> Doug defeats Hive once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mulan reference!  
> thanks to agl03 and tanziheerahbar for the ideas and chatting with me

* * *

 

Doug feels so POWERFUL.

 

All eyes are on him, and all jaws are dropped to the floor.

 

Even fricking Jeff looks like a goldfish, unable to believe what Doug has just said.

 

_Take **that** , Jeff._

 

Hive shuffles on his feet, and if Doug didn’t know any better he would say that the death inhuman god looks _nervous_.

 

“They… kissed?”

 

Doug nods slowly, soaking in the disbelief and awe that cloak Hive’s words.”

“ _Twice._ ”

 

There’s a thud when Daisy Johnson faints, and hushed whispers as May and Lincoln squat down and begin to wake her up.

Coulson just stares into nothing, and Mack grins, crosses his arms and mumbles “Atta boy Turbo.”

 

Hive shakes his head violently.

“Do you have proof?”

 

Doug declares haughty, firing back at Hive.

“I saw it with my own two eyes! It was in the lab!”

 

Daisy, who had by now awakened, promptly screeches “In the _**lab**??_ ” and faints again.

 

Hive grins and Doug’s heart drops- _how can Hive deny the power of the Fitzsimmons kiss?_

“Not good enough. There’s no evidence? Then it doesn’t count.”

 

“WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING?”

 

“Grant Ward.”

 

_Ok I’ll give him that that was good. Even though he’s only the King of the idiots._

 

Doug isn’t afraid to claim his title, no matter how creepy Hive is.

“I still won. I am the ultimate Fitzsimmons Shipper.”

 

Hive rolls his eyes and sighs.

“Fine. You won. Congratulations.”

 

His voice is practically dripping with sarcasm but Doug doesn’t notice _Doug won and brought honor to his ship, his family, the Emperor and all of China!_

 

“… I’m still not going to let them out.”

_WHAT?! YOU MUTHAFUUUUU-_

“THE POWER OF FITZSIMMONS COMPELS YOU!”

 

“What??”

 

“YOU- YOU PROMISED!”

 

“I am an Inhuman god of death DO I _LOOK_ LIKE I KEEP MY PROMISES?”

 

May cocks her gun, Mack loads his shotgun-axe, and the Secret Warriors assume their superhero stances.

 

Coulson is muttering to himself something about _dang kids and their hormones_ , staring at the wall and alternating between smiles and frowns.

 

Daisy is still out cold on the floor.

 

_Poor Daisy. The power of the Fitzsimmons’ kiss was too much for her to handle all out once. I know how you feel sister._

 

Hive walks back over to the door and blocks it with his body.

“They aren’t coming out until I say so.”

_Okay dude did you even think this through I mean you said that they can’t hear you and they can’t hear us so how will you know that they’ve kissed and talked? Wow just wow no planning involved at all._

 

_BOOM_

The whole room shakes as a section of the wall is blown out. It takes a few moments for the dust to settle, but when it does-

_IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?_

 

Bobbie Morse and Lance Hunter stand amidst the rubble, her twirling her batons and looking _badass AF_ while he’s glaring across the room at Hive.

 

“You started a Fitzsimmons SHIP-OFF and didn’t invite us?” He gestures towards himself and Bobbi, who narrows her eyes at Hive.

 

_I AM NOT WORTHY I RELINQUISH MY TITLE I AM NOT WORTHY I SURRENDER TO YOU, OH CAPTAINS OF SS FITZSIMMONS._

_Also YES YES HIVE STARTED IT YEP I DID NOT DO THAT TOO IT WAS ALL HIM. GET HIM.  
_

Mack beams at the sight of _HUNTINGBIRD RETURNS F YEAHHH_ and May smiles a tiny smile.

 

Daisy Johnson jumps back up, all evidence of her previous fainting spells gone, and she lowers her voice at Hive.

“You should just give up now.”

 

“So bold!” Hive taunts, although he looks a little weary at the entrance of Mockingbird and Hunter. “Too bad I still have your precious Fitzsimmons locked up!”

 

“You sure about that?” Bobbi teases, and she steps aside as Fitz and Simmons come out.

 

_I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT I DON’T CARE I AM **ALIVE**_

****

Suddenly, watching them walk into the room, Doug knows how to defeat Hive.

 

He shouts to Fitz and Simmons:

“QUICK!!! MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER!”

 

Fitz’s features immediately turn red, and he looks confused as he opens his mouth to argue.

 

Jemma, however, lights up and smiles the biggest smile Doug’s ever seen.

 

“QUICK FITZ WE HAVE TO MAKE OUT.” She screeches and grabs Fitz, pulling him towards her and kissing him.

 

_YYYYYAASSSSS QUEEN YAASSS YOU GET YOUR MANNN WHOOP WHOOP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN JEMMA SIMMONS THE WOMAN ON FIRREEEE_

Fitz quickly regains himself, and begins to kiss her back. He even proceeds to even dip her, and _IT'S JUST LIKE A MOVIE HOLY SHIITTTT_

 

“NOOOOOOO THEY ARE TOO PERFECT!!! I CAN FEEL MY STRENGTH LEAVING ME HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS WAS MY WEAKNESS????”

Hive wails, kneeling onto the floor and ripping at his clothes.

 

Bobbi, Hunter, May, Mack, Coulson and the rest of the team start to cheer and whoop at the making out Fitzsimmons.

Jeff looks annoyed.

 

(Daisy lies on the floor unconscious)

 

Doug has to tear his eyes away from True Love and glares at Hive in victory.

“True love, Biotch.”

 

Hive screams in agony as he disappears in a poof of smoke, unable to fight the power of Fitzsimmon’s heavy ( _heavenly)_ kissing.

 

_NOW BACK TO WATCH THE SMOOCHY SMOOCH FRICK YEAHHHH_

 

Doug turns around and finds that Mack has come to stand at his side.

Mack chuckles and slaps Doug on the back.

_Ow dude you know you’re like super strong and muscly right._

 

“Nice idea, Suit.”

 

_Wait._

_Suit._

_DID I JUST GET A NICKNAME???_

_AND I DEFEATED HIVE??_

_AND GOT MY OTP TO MAKE OUT???_

_CUE THE MUSIC._

 

_DOUG RYE THE AGENT GUY_

 

_DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG DOUG_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THATS THE END OF THIS DOUG FIC!!
> 
> thanks to Pi for thinking of Doug's new nickname!
> 
> Also.  
> Just saying- nobody stays dead in the MCU except Uncle Ben.
> 
> Hive might be back:
> 
> but Doug and the power of Fitzsimmons will be ready to defeat him again!!!


End file.
